Greetings lovely one,
I took a day off. I swerved to the side far out the way to escape the time loop of the day-to-day. Then I rested in the gift of a sacred pause. I rambled on about everything I’ve lost, and all I’ve gained in the push and pull of identity reclamation. I recollected myself to make sense of the senseless. I reminisced, owned my anger, my shame, my pissed off-ness, my frustration, my tiredness. I caught a glimpse of hope in the darkest corner of my shadow room and wanted to deny it, wanting to linger in my dismay, in my sense of doom. She persisted anyway.
Yes, I needed the day to sit by a body of water and quench the thirst of my weary soul. To give my skin the sun kiss, take pleasure in the passing cool breeze of the wind that I imagined tickled the river into a fit of waves, and together we in this reality witnessed the dancing tree leaves. It’s amazing to me how everything exists in its natural exquisite simplicity. And here I am asking the minuscule grains of sand beneath my feet for advice on how to live my life in total acceptance of me.
Tomorrow, I return to adding my energy to mental health movements beyond the passing train. Back to the activity needed to pay the bills, pay other solopreneurs with bills and kids, and dreams, and maybe treat myself to a cheat day of ice cream ’cause apparently that’s what we adults do. I’ll return to the fight for the right to be my beautiful multiplicity in a world that constantly assaults my personhood, because, well, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” And my personhood is all caught up in that irrefutable network of mutuality. And so I’ll do my part, and it will have to be enough when it never feels enough.
So I’ll then chart my mood as vulnerable but grounded, and maybe I’ll add that I started off lethargic. Keeping track of how I’m really doing because advocacy starts at home caring for the diagnoses that travel with, but don’t define me. Then I’ll cringe over the notion that yesterday was a luxury. And shake my head because even me cloaked in my marginalization could walk around on my two legs of privilege. But, that’s tomorrow, possibly, maybe.
Today, I took the day off. I told myself that if I could then I would always take the day I was born to acknowledge where I’ve come from, and affirm that I belong. I’d tell myself that I am here now, and it’s no mistake that I’d permit myself to celebrate the day Breath chose a union with me. So, I, in all my idiosyncrasies, could give shape and texture, to make manifest this vision of an all-encompassing Love.
Peace, Love, and Wellness,
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