A Nuanced Year In the Life
Greetings lovely one,
I was wondering if I would have anything left in me to write one final 2024 love letter, but I woke up today and got this started before the brain fog kicked in. My answer.
It's been a challenging last quarter for me. I'm trying to move away from the habit of labeling years as "good" or "bad," because life is far too nuanced for that kind of binary thinking. However, I will say that this year has been significant. Looking at the year as a whole, many beautiful, heartbreaking, and life-changing events have shaped the experiences that comprise my life.
I celebrated a milestone birthday and traveled to a country I've wanted to visit since I was a child, ever since I learned about Frederick Douglass and the operations of the Underground Railroad in the far north. I also hosted my first retreat, a dream I've held for many years.
On the other hand, my mom, my bestie boo, and I all had major surgeries within just a few weeks of each other. As my mom began to heal and I prepared for my own life-changing surgery, we were wrecked over by the sudden passing of my grandmother, who was my very first best friend and confidant, and the woman who raised me alongside my mother.
Ya'll, I am not OK. My grief feels more visceral and more potent in my body as it struggles to find itself whole again, literally missing a piece of myself that can never be replaced.
Interestingly enough, I've been writing about grief and loss, conducting more research in this area due to my public ministry work and my involvement in suicide prevention, postvention, and mental health awareness. Because of this, I thought I would be better equipped to handle my own emotions during difficult times, though I'm not entirely sure what that "better" would look like. Yet, I still feel as if I'm alone in a hospital bed, surrounded by cold machines, blurred faces, and fragmented memories, trying to emerge from the haze of anesthesia.
Now, you might be wondering where the love letter aspect comes in. One of the ways I've struggled to love is by hiding my pain from others, especially when it's still fresh. I tend to share reflections only after the fact, after I've gotten over it, when the intensity has faded, and it doesn't hurt as much anymore. In turn, this has made it difficult for me to witness others' pain when it's still raw. For instance, if my little nephew tripped in front of me, scraped and bruised his knee, and screamed out at the wind for his suffering, I'd want to fight the wind for him. While death itself has never really frightened me…I hate seeing suffering. It's why I struggled with depression at a very early age. Back then, I was young and felt completely powerless to alleviate it. I'm not a child anymore. Nevertheless, I don't like seeing people in pain and not being able to make that pain magically go away. And I believe that many people shy away from topics related to grief, suffering, and even death because they, too, are uncomfortable with the feeling of helplessness. They, too, don't like the way their discomfort feels.
When the Holy One called me—a Type A Virgo, a thinking rather than feeling personality type according to the Myers-Briggs assessment—into a ministry of loving presence and soul care, I am pretty sure I objected. Okay, I definitely objected. I told my professors they were mistaken when they confirmed that they saw this ministry in me. I understood what it would require of me: the vulnerability, the letting go and trusting in the work of the Spirit. It felt as though I would never be enough for this calling.
To hold space for and witness loss, pain, and suffering—to be genuinely compassionate—that is love. It is the very love I prayed to be filled with, the same love I never thought I would be capable of giving or receiving outside of my mother's and grandmother's love. It is the love that transformed me and continues to evolve me. It is the love that was, and always is, here.
Right now, I'm not okay. But this is still my favorite time of the year, and I plan to watch Elf at the very least.
My physical pain has started to come back, and I just took medication that will likely leave me feeling out of it. However, I am not afraid, nor am I ashamed of my grief. I’m taking care of myself with rest, art, companionship, music, tears, cherished memories, food, and anime (because I’m still me). I’m grateful for friendship, mealtrain (Thanks, F/friend, Windy, for setting that up and for all who’ve donated!), and my chosen recovery family… love has my back always.
Peace, Love, and Wellness,
Lynette
(More formally, Sister Lynette Davis, SFCC, but feel free to call me Lyn)
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Available now: I’m a contributing writer to the latest edition of “Illuminate” — the only Bible study curriculum written by Friends (Quakers). Faith groups and communities all over the U.S. and some in other countries will be using this study guide in December, January, and February. So can you! Purchase a print or digital copy of Illuminate here: https://barclaypress.corecommerce.com/ILLUMINATE/Illuminate-Christ-in-Creation.html
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Tales from the blog keepers
Tis the season for giving back…here are a few non-profit organizations I have personal connections with that I’d like to suggest…
The Center for Health and Learning (CHL) is a non-profit organization focused on implementing a public health approach to preventing suicide and substance misuse while promoting mental health.
Ujima Friends Peace Center works to reduce violence and provide a safe haven with educational, cultural and recreational opportunities for adults and young people.
Global Women 4 Wellbeing (GW4W) is a global non-profit organization that is passionate about healthy female leadership.
The School of the Spirit Ministry serves all those who wish to be more faithful listeners and responders to the work of the Inward Teacher. The ministry is grounded in prayer and offers programs rooted in the Quaker contemplative tradition.
ARTZ Philadelphia is dedicated to enhancing the quality of life and well-being of people living with dementia and their care partners through joyful interactions around arts and culture.
Muse of the month
(Well, not so much a muse, but it’s been an Al Green mood over here.)
Blerd’s the word
My friends and I had a movie night where we watched this cringe movie with a few memorable scenes (this was one of them)…I had watched it when it first came out and thought Mos Def made it watchable. There were enough moments that made me feel the novel would be better, but I had never taken the time to look for the book and read it. So, my friend lent me a copy. So, darn near ten years after the movie's release, I’ll be reading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and maybe the rest of the series as well.
Love you, Lyn. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.